My Faith Journey

I was raised in an evangelical church with a moral, loving family, and began professing faith at a young age.  In high school I wore t-shirts with Christian slogans and wrote Bible verses on my shoes, binders, inside my locker, and anywhere else I needed inspiration.  I had child-like faith but no clue as to the costs involved in truly following Jesus.

After attending a Christian college and getting married, I began working in a Christian environment while serving in the church Drake and I were attending at the time.  Spiritual disenchantment slowly crept into my life; I was seeing disconnect in the lives of people who professed faith, I was seeing Christians treat each other poorly, I was seeing what I perceived as a lack of love for non-believers, but the greatest struggle came from what I identified as a general inability for many of the people around me to engage the depths of my wrestling soul.  Over time I began to question the authenticity of the American Church and cynicism settled into my heart. Although I maintained faith in Jesus, I was deeply affected by the incongruence I sensed in the evangelical community, which left me suspended in disillusionment.

When I became pregnant with Judson, it prodded my faith in a new and fresh way.  I wanted nothing more than to raise children to know and love God while also being a blessing in the lives of people.  I felt new responsibility and purpose as I was suddenly being entrusted with the life of another.  But what I did not realize was how the little child in my womb was going to completely turn my life upside-down where I could no longer dangle in the world of cynicism; my faith was going to become incredibly costly.

When Judson’s body began to deteriorate, I was left with one over-arching question—Did I truly trust God, the God I had claimed to know and love all my life?  And if so, would I follow him even into the darkest, most painful valley?

By his grace, I have followed.  And he has given me Eyes that See him in the most unexpected ways. He revealed himself through Judson, who was and is an amazing and beautiful picture of the Spirit of God at work in suffering.  And ironically, he displayed his love and glory through his Church, the Church from which I had distanced myself, the Church I had criticized.

I continue to question, and wrestle, and grapple with my faith, but I have come to realize this just might be what I have to offer to the evangelical community and the world—an honest look into the life of someone who struggles through the challenges of faith in a broken world.  I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I am living a life of deep loss, and I continue to face challenges that often overwhelm me.  But I have experienced the grace of God…I cling to the grace of God!

You will no longer find me wearing t-shirts with Christian slogans, and I try to avoid speaking Christianese, but I deeply love Jesus and I value Bibilical truth.  I want my life to be a constant reflection of the Love that has saved me, giving me genuine hope to sustain.

%d bloggers like this: