Where are you, God?

January 4, 2011

Faith

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I open my eyes as widely as possible.
But I can’t see you.
I trust you’re there.
But I can’t see you.

I open my ears and listen carefully.
But I can’t hear you.
I trust you’re speaking.
But I can’t hear you.

I reach out my hand to touch you.
But I can’t feel you.
I trust you’re near.
But I can’t feel you.

Where are you, God?

My eyes are blurred by tears.
My ears deafened by my cries.
My hands numb with pain.
I cannot see, hear, or feel you,
But you’ve promised never to leave.

I trust you are with me.

But please come closer, dear God.
Allow me to see your goodness anew.
Let your truth speak freshly to my heart.
Help me to feel your presence once more.

Please come closer, dear God.
Let me see, hear, and touch you again.

This is a poem I wrote during my blogging hiatus.

God has felt so distant, and though I know he promises to be present and I trust he is near, I am desperate to have him touch some of the vacant pockets of my soul.  He feels non-responsive to my cries, unmoved by my pain.  I am restless to see and hear him, to feel his protection.  In some ways, I don’t’ even know what that would actually look like in my life—I’m just very aware of the desperation in my heart.

But instead, in my increasing woundedness, it feels like God is hiding.

I have found these are hard things to admit for fear that authentic expressions of feeling God’s absence may be perceived as permanent devastation to faith.

Yet, there have been many faithful people throughout the centuries who have felt as though God is absent, and there is strong Biblical tradition of authentic confusion and anguish before God, most prominently from David, the Psalmist (i.e. Psalm 77).  But we also see that although David felt rejected and forgotten by God— as though God’s love had been removed forever—he maintained a posture of surrender in his heart and determined to remember God’s clear presence in his life from previous experiences to sustain him through his season of feeling forgotten.

Where are you, God?

As my heart hungers for God to come near, I heed the model of David, keeping my eyes wide open, my ears alert, and my hands outstretched while recalling God’s clear faithfulness to me in the past.

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